Wheel of Consent
The Art of Giving and Receiving
This profound practice is based on the work of Dr. Betty Martin, a Somatic Sex Educator.
Many people find it challenging to speak up about their desires and boundaries, because a key ingredient is often missing - the confidence that we have a choice in what happens to us.
Sometimes, we do not even realise when our boundaries have been crossed, as we haven't been taught to recognise or express our internal signals. By inviting ourselves to ask for what we truly desire, rather than just what we think we should want, we can create more fulfilling relationships with clear agreements.
The implications of this consent education extend beyond just touch and intimate relationships, touching the very heart of how we engage with the world around us.
Through her framework, "The Wheel of Consent®," Betty Martin's approach focuses first on awakening our bodies' connection to pleasure and what we want. From this foundation, we can then practice identifying and voicing what we don't want, and to confidently ask for and state our needs
The practice consists of The Three Minute Game, in which two people ask the following questions of each other - "How do you want me to touch you for three minutes?" and "How do you want to touch me for three minutes?"
In her book Betty Martin explains it as follows -
"This is an inquiry into receiving and giving - what they are and what they are not.
This is for you if you are willing to question what you know, in the service of uncovering the dynamics you create with others - the dynamics that don't serve you well and satisfy you even less, and those other dynamics that free you up, delight, and satisfy you because they are true and clear.
The practice isn't about sex: it's about experiencing the quadrants of giving and receiving. As it happens, experiencing the quadrants develops awareness and skills that make for a vastly improved experience of sex (of all types).
If touch is about getting to sex and sex is about getting to orgasm, then touch becomes strategic, designed to produce a result. Sometimes this works, but something is lost. If you can't experience touch without thinking it's sex, then your sex isn't really about sex either. It is trying to use sex to meet all those other needs - comfort, connection, affirmation, sensuality, affection, recreation - and touch.
In this practice, I encourage you to experiment with touch that is not about sex for several reasons:
First, so you can tell the difference. So you can meet your need for touch with, well, touch.
Second, you will open a whole new world of possibility about ways to touch that are more satisfying in many ways than sex.
Third, because trying to learn the quadrants with sexual touch doesn't work; your habits are too strong.
Finally, because the quality of your touch is a very big factor in the quality of your sexual activity. It's not the only factor but it is a significant one, and to become very good at touch you pretty much have to start with touch that is not about sex. When you do that, your touch gets better - and your sex also gets better."